This is probably one of the times where I am completely lost in this dank, where I am stuck with academical things to do but does nothing, where I am wondering about the things if they go wrong, or eventually and magically go right, where I am elusively lost for words to say, where even I, gets really frustrated about myself, where I am completely standing nowhere, where I do not know where to go and just see my friends, having a good time of their lives, and I am just here, typing these nonsensical words, pretending to be good at operating my own life where actually I am the worst about it.
Do you get me? I just need to hibernate, restart, and debunk all these happenings in my life and have a fresh, fresh, start. But…
I forgot that I am currently in the moment where I don’t know.
Oh, God. Please help me to help my self.
Sariwang-sariwa pa ang mga alaala noong tayo ay sabay na humahakbang sa pahabang silid; tayong dalawa lang ang magkakasya kung pahalang ang sukatan. Dinig na dinig ang bawat tibok ng dibdib. Napakalapit sa isa’t isa, kung tutuusin, kakayaning nang ika’y hagkan, ngunit ako ay kinain ng takot, kinain ng mga agam-agam na hindi naman karapat-dapat mamahay sa aking isipan, dahil alam ko sa pagkakataong iyon, ang isa’t isa lang ang iniisip nating dalawa.
Masayang-masaya ako habang patungo tayo sa labas, ako’y iyong ihahatid sa pag-uwi. Tayo’y nagkuwentuhan muna tungkol sa mga literaryang ating kinagigiliwan. Nakatutuwa sapagkat natuklasan kong napakarami nating pagkakapareha. Paulit-ulit mong binibigkas at inilararawan ang mga bagay na aking nagawa noong mga sandaling iyon. Masayang-masaya ka rin, sabi mo’y madalang ang nakapagbibigay sa’yo ng ganoon, at mas lalo akong masaya, dahil nabibilang ako sa madalang na iyon.
Nakarating na tayo sa dulo, sa labas, sa kalinawagan, at kainitian. Mistulang tayo ay nagkaroon nang mga limang segundong pagtititigan at pagngingitian. Ang dibdib ko’y hindi maarok ang nararamdaman. Masaya, nakakakunsensya, masarap. Biniyak mo ang katahimikan at ikaw ay namaalam. Ako’y natulala…
Ikaw ay unti-unting lumapit at nilapat ang iyong mga labi sa aking pisngi, kaakibat ang iyong paghaplos sa aking mga kurbada.
Ito ay ibinalik ko sa iyo, baywang mo’y hinaplos ko, piniga nang kaunti habang ikaw ay yakap-yakap, sapagkat hindi ko alam kung kailan ito’y mauulit pa.
Maraming salamat sa motibasyon, saya, at pagmamahal na ibinakas mo sa aking isipan. Salamat.
What are you crying for?
Pokus ng Pandiwa.
Wala naman ako sa pokus, wala rin.
I miss your scent.
Nararapat nang gumising.
Nararapat nang bumangon.
Nararapat nang sumaya.
Nararapat nang maging matatag kung lilisan ka.
Ang hirap kasi sa ratio and probability,
puro estimation lang,
Parang ano ko lang…ano.
I live for poetry.
Ngiti lang. Kapit pa, kaibigan.
You feel nice.
You feel happy.
You feel rejuvenated.
The long wait is gone, you did it.
Things were surreal that moment, I believe.
Hay, this day.
9/11— 9/6, Jazmin Tabuena
photo taken in Henry Sy Building, DLSU
This came late, but anyway, it’s still unbelievable we are all twenty-five percent away in completing 2014! Days went by swiftly, and it is already Ber Months. The most-awaited months, indeed. God seriously does wonders about my faith, strength, and capabilities. It is surreal that I overcame the dark days when I felt like just slitting wrists all throughout, hooray!
Highschool graduation is already in six months, more piles of schoolwork to expect and I am dreading to leave but exuberant to go beyond my school. Yes, I will surely miss my friends, but there is so much more beyond the halls of AICS. Bigger things to explore, farther places to wander… ahhh. I’m excited to graduate. Okay, I finally said it.
So… let’s live these remaining months of 2014!
Things I love about Ber months:
- Cool breeze; perfect for thrifted sweaters
- Simbang Gabi/ Misa de Gallo
- Puto-bumbong and hot pandesals at dawn
- Or super hot porridge before going to school
- Looking back how many things altered their ways
- Christmas gifts of course!
- Semestral break
- Is our retreat and tour counted? Hehe.
- More reasons to visit coffee shops alone
- More unknown places to explore
- More books to read and purchase
That’s it! I hope you get to enjoy your four remaining months. Smile!
(Also our Title Defense was successful…my title’s accepted. Yay for this!)
Before this day ends, I just want to recall how we first met.
I remember that it was my second day in UPlink and we were about to tackle General Science with a teacher whom I do not know yet. I was impressed the first time I saw her dress up, with the way she carried herself — humorous vibes stood out. I was not wrong with my instincts, she is indeed a joker. Days passed and I already discovered her name, Yam. Miss Yam.
Though one day after our last Chemistry lecture, she said that it is our last meeting with her. Everybody was in awe. Everybody didn’t like the words that came out. Everybody went a little sad; because she is awesome, she is crazy, her favorite lines will not decline these. While I was still on my seat, I whispered to my friends that I want a photo taken with her. Then I decided to be left out in the room, lingering with the thought that maybe we can be friends. (I have a thing with weird, 20s-30s, and funny people.) I realized it won’t be that hard to have a small talk, but I got giddy and almost walked out the room… until my friend shouted out loud in the room and said “Ms. Yam, gusto raw pong magpa-picture sa inyo ni Jazmin!” Miss Yam smiled and let out a reply “Oo naman!”. Ate Mara, offered to take our pictures. That was the time my tension towered down. Phew. I thanked her and went out the room. Yes!
Thinking that my father was already down to fetch me, I was wrong, he’s not yet there. We decided to go back in our room and I, to finally have my chitchat with Miss Yam.
As far as I remember, the first thing I asked her was if she is fond of books, because our modules have Divergent-related questions in Physics. She joked about initiations. And Tris. Great thing that she is! I even asked her if she watches Game of Thrones, she told me that she only read the books but incapable of watching the series for its erotic scenes. Though she watches The Walking Dead and I do too! It’s really a fun start for our on-going friendship.
Things went beyond, I started to add her on facebook, had mini chitchats, got her number, and the works. UP Campus Tour. After the tour, we promised each other that next time we will hang out in the Ateneo Campous Tour because I got shy and all in our UPCT. Then we also started to talk about deeper things; about my depression, about book suggestions, about tidbits of her intimate life I am not allowed to share, and life in general.
It is fascinating that a review center can bring up a wonderful person and friend in my life right now. It is fascinating how you try to keep in contact with a person brings wonders in your friendship.
Last Saturday, we had our Ateneo Campus Tour (after not seeing each other in four months, finally!) I was not in her group though. We ate lunch together with some of the volunteer Ateneans and UPlink teachers in their faculty. I did not experience any discomfort with the group, she’s welcoming like that. Laughs (a lot), talks, and eye contacts happened. And “Party Pack”! Oh my goodness, Party Pack. I. Cannot.
I did something that made her cry a little. My fault, sorry. But for a happy reason! She said that I was crazy, a lot. Haha! Miss Yam, I am just glad to be your friend, expect me to be lunatic and sweet all the time. Thank you very much for the wisdom that has been taught. Thank you for the words that have been a big help. Thank you for the unexpected Science lectures when I unexpectedly asked. Thank you for your good luck wishes and academic motivations. Thank you for your inside jokes, your silent and unstoppable laughs that just made me laugh harder than you think. Thank you for making me appreciate the art of love even more. Just… thank you for your existence.
I wish you a happy, happy *toot* birthday, Miss Yam! :)
I will always have a thing for mature, independent, mysterious (a bit sad) and fierce men/women who can carry themselves head held up high.
Sexy damn aura.
Sexy as hell!
One tangy afternoon it is, with the birds around chirping, the wind blowing, and sun shining at me. Maybe it was the summer of 2013 when I felt this kind of afternoon, solemn, happy, and writing simple things with a peaceful mind.
When things get repugnant, there’s no failure of yearning for afternoons like this; where I just can paint, read, take pictures, breathe poetry, or even appreciate the low and a bit humid air.
I live for moments like these.
Dumungaw-dungaw sa labas ng tahanan
tumingala sa kalawakan
at nagnilay-nilay tungkol sa mga esensyal
ipagpalagay na lamang natin ang wika
na kung saan sa tinubuang lupa ay
at inirog ng buong puso.
Sa paglipas nang mga dekada’y
mga purong makata’y
pinausbong at pinamulaklak
siya ng totoo.
Dumungaw-dungaw sa labas ng tahanan
at tumingala sa kalawakan
at nagnilay-nilay tungkol sa mga esensyal
ipagpalagay na lamang natin ang wika,
ano na nga ba ang tunay na balita?
Sa pag-usbong nito’y sabay din
ang pagpuslit ng sandamakmak na
puring pandayuhan lamang,
na siyang kumukuluntoy
sa kultura’t himig
ng mga binuong saknong.
Wika, wika, huwag mong hayaan
na ika’y lumisan, iniirog kitang
Sapagkat sa tamis at pait,
siya’y nariyan upang hayaan
tayong lumikha ng mga
Nariyan upang tayo ay manatiling
Nariyan upang tayo ay makapaglahad
nang saloobing nagsasabuyan
at tila puputok na
sa bawat hithit-buga.
Ngayo’y tayo naman ang gumusali
para sa kaniya,
Ipaglaban ang mga maling taktiko
ng mga Pilipinong umaastang
banyaga sa sariling bayan —
sa bansang hinihingahan.
Maging bihasa —
hasain ang mga bokabularyong
tila kinalawang at binulok
na ng panahon.
Kulang ang pagtangkilik,
aba, ibigin mo!
Kung tayong magkakabaya’y
ang daan tungong
pag-aaral nang Pilipinong literatura,
hindi ba’t ito ay magiging
matiwasay at maganda?
Kung ang mga Hapon at Amerikano
ay umunlad sa sariling wika,
na tayong mga Pilipinong may
kay yamang kultura at bayan
ay mas magagampanan ng maayos
kung ito’y paninidigan
hanggang sa huling pagdungaw
Buwan ng Agosto, Jazmin Tabuena