Tama na. Awat na.
Damdamin ko’y biyak na biyak na.
Respeto lang naman
ang aking hiling,
kundi’y masakit sa dibdib.
I am in the midst of breaking down, but I cannot let fear and these confusing emotions overpower me. Pagod na pagod na ako sa pagintindi pero ayoko pang sumuko, umaasa pa ako na babalik rin naman ang kanilang respeto.
Let this be a human-version of happy list.
- Maki. She was the psalmist in our mass this morning and after she sang, she ran by my side and held my right hand tightly, I was surprised. Worried if she did well. Maki, if you’re reading this, yes you did and I miss you too! Thanks for the chocolates. :)
- Ate Karina. Two weeks without seeing Angeli di Maria was indeed a torture. Spending my Saturdays with them is already a ritual and sanity for me. She keeps my feet on the ground.
- Myra. Ate Myra/Mom is my happy pill when things get sullen or when I feel tormented about life. Well, talking to her over the phone while she’s drunk was the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard!
- Mom. To be honest, it has been a while since I had a conversation with mom that required me to expel all my anger inside and feel free after.
H A P P Y L I S T
- The chocolates Maki gave me were the bomb!
- Thoughtful conversations
- Free writing when everything else seems to be falling apart. The freedom of just jiving with my constant emotions while writing >
- Ate Karina’s compliments about my photos in Monte Cafe
- Holding on to my dreams and plans
- Reading a new book finally! (Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho)
- Enjoying the free-from-work weekends
- Upcoming intramurals. Very excited for our last cheer dance competition! Boom Ma-ma-mereh!
- "Idol!" "Ate pa-autograph po!"
- Bagging 1st Place in our Jingle-making Contest. Congrats to us, Mary!
- Finishing Ateneo’s detailed application form. *phew*
Life lately is a blur, but there is no reason to not enjoy these illuminating pleasures in life! Though my inspiration bar is at its lowest, I still appreciate the kids who claim that they garner inspiration from me. Never thought that I am able to inspire people!
Happy Sunday evening! How are you guys?
gising pa rin
madaling araw na
humimbing ka na
hindi pa pwede
nilalasap ko pa
ang mapait kong kape
idinadaan sa katha
inilalapat ang mga luha
sige, inom pa
kape lang naman
huwag lang sosobra
let us sing more songs
write more phrases
drink more wine
talk to me
under the stars
and i will
i crave you
Ate Myra is drunk and she’s being hilarious! I miss our sensible conversations, but she is busy in UPLB. I find it really rare to meet someone who goes beyond my expectations. Missing you, mom. Talk to you soon.
Felt like a chunk of burden was taken away in my chest. Had a good cry on mom. I have not cried like that in years.
Practice with Angeli di Maria. Darn it, I missed singing songs with them.
Random. I don’t want to lose you now.
1:58 a.m. J.T.
1 month ago, everything changed.
Para sa iyo kaibigan:
Minsan ba ay naransan mo nang umibig, at kahit katiting man lang ay walang natira sa sarili? Masakit, gumughit, bumabakas, nag-iiwan ng mga ugat na paulit-ulit nating hinuhugut-hugutan. Pero sa kabila ng sakit na ating binabagtas, narito pa rin ang masarap, masaya, at makapang-lutang na pakiramdam na siyang umiibsan sa kulog at kidlat ng ating pag-ibig sa iba.
Sa pag-ibig ika nga, wala tayo dapat na kinikilalang hangganan, ibigay ang makakaya, pero kung wala nang maibuga, mayroon pang ikalawa, ikatlo, at ikapat na kung saan tayo’y matututo, lalakas, at magkakabisig. Datapwat maging mapanuri kung ang pagbibigay natin ay nagbubunga ng kangandahan sa sarili o ito ba’y sagad na sa sakit. Lulugmukin ka lang sa kalungkutan niyan.
Hindi magkatulad ang pananaw sa pag-ibig sa taas at mundong ibabaw, kaya kahit wala nang nakapapansin ng mga bagay na ating naibuga, tayo ay nararapat pa ring magpatuloy, gumawa ng mga magagandang bagay, para rin naman sa’yo yan e, dahil ito ay wasto at hindi purong kamartiran.
Gaano mang kahabang pasakit, hinagpis, at hirap ang kailangang bagtasin, sa Kanya’y lagi namang sigurado ang magandan kapupuntahan na pagyakap kay pag-ibig.
1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that.
2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself.
3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow.
4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed.
5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning.
6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.
7. Music is good for your soul. Rap music will energise you and boost your ego and pop music will cheer you up. Indie music will make you think and emotional songs will make you cry and think about that boy again. It’s healthy.
8. Victim complexes are not attractive. Boys and girls will not date you because you are sad. They are not going to date you and kiss your aching bones and cure you of your dragging depression. Wake up. Take a bath. Do your hair. Be attractive.
9. Sadness is not poetic. Depression is not beautiful. Laying in bed all day and eating too much is lazy and disgusting and it is not tragic or pretty. Get up. Go outside. Let the sun warm your bones. Live.
10. If it makes you happy, buy twenty of it. Dedicate your life to it. Print it on tv shirts and collect things and draw art of it. Do not care what people think. They are the unhappy people you need to avoid. The abuse they will hurl at you is painless compared to how sad they are. Pity them. Remain happy.
11. You are allowed to be angry. But the world is not working against you. The flowers do not bloom for you and when your mother shouts ask her if she is okay instead of thinking she hates you. She never will. The world walks beside you and is silent. It does not trip you up or carry you.
12. Day and night cycles are natural. Humans only sleep at night because we used to avoid predators in the dark because of our poor eyesight. Stay awake until 5am watching bad reality shows. Wake up at 7pm and have breakfast.
13. Eat when you are hungry. Being bored does not constitute a chocolate bar. Sleep with you are tired. Do not mindlessly obey the sleep at night rule. If you are not tired, do not sleep."
Everyone needs this on their blog.
ang puso ko’y
kung ito pari’y
na kita kasi
Laslas-pulso, Tulo ang Dugo, J.T.
Hello guys! Yes this is me, Jazmin, blogging photos after being missing in action for weeks. It’s almost 1 a.m. and my urge to do something for my blog existed.
Last week has been very tough for us Filipinos, when Typhoon Glenda hit our decade-old trees, houses, and infrastructures with her howling winds, and destructive rain. In addition to that, the typhoon took away our power source, water, etc. My family just relied on cafe-hopping and relative-hopping (haha), and improvising a power source through a motor-battery-plugged-inverter whut, to power up our gadgets for a week! imagine the hassle it gave us. *wipes cold sweat*
- Our electricity went back last Saturday night, and I just let out one horrifying scream. Sorry neighbours.
- This morning, everyone felt cold due to electric fans and airconditioners. We were starting to get numb with the insane heat. Nasanay-sa-walang-kuryente-much.
- Mom and I went to Shakey’s for Massi’s first birthday, yay! I never felt so old while watching the party host calling kids in front, and labeling 16 and above adults. Damn.
- Filled up Ateneo’s never-ending application form. It’s a lot, I was not finished yet though. But just a keepsake for myself: Ano naman yung hirap if it will be worth it? We never know. My fate is odd. Kaya mo ‘yan! Self-empowerment na kung self-empowerment, pero kailangan kong gawin e. Kaya ko ‘to! - I wrote this in my planner.
I just wanted to write all these down, calm myself, have a breather, remember my goals, be positive and stay on the brighter side. My head honestly fleeted with too much emotional, intellectual, and mental shiznits… it drowned my system. I am just happy I have Ate Myra to talk to and exhale all the things in my head with someone who understands. Hoping for a great week, prelims week, game on!